What stops a composer from composing?

Good question, right? Well, I know the answer: buying a house. Yes, my husband and I are finally growing up and making that huge purchase. The process is so incredibly stressful. It stopped me composing for a full week! The worst thing and best thing was that we found a place we loved immediately. Everything went from being speculative to actually happening in a matter of days.  The process is completely consuming. Even when you are not actually doing something, you are paralysed by thinking you should be doing something.

I had a composition lesson scheduled with my teacher for the weekend, but on Wednesday I wrote and cancelled it. I was feeling sick and overwhelmed by it all. But on Thursday afternoon I came to my senses and removed my brain from the house immersion. I rescheduled the lesson and began on my assignment: 1 minute of music using a string ensemble.

It was interesting. When I sat down and started composing, I felt relief. I realized that I had been holding myself back. Why? So strange, but I do it often. When I am stressed my first instinct is to prevent myself from doing the things that would most probably alleviate the tension: compose, journal, work out. Instead I vacillate, thinking that I am helping the problem when usually the problem can’t be helped and patience is simply the only option. I need to remember that. I have a feeling I will forget.

As I composed I became more excited. Driving home from work I felt the anticipation of crafting the piece some more. It was so cool! Then today I had my lesson with my teacher. It was fantastic and I left even more excited and happy. It is times like these that confirm I am on the write path. I have finally pinpointed my passion.

My husband and I discussed today how thankful we are to be at this point. When we first met we were a little lost. We weren’t comfortable in our own skin. We did not have a clear idea of what we wanted. I am not saying we now have everything figured out – far from it! But it is good to feel on track. Very good.

I am not sure why you are reading my musings. I hope you find them of some value. Maybe if I spend enough time confessing my failings it will prevent others from a misstep or two.  Until next time….


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